a go.

we are home study approved.
and we have in our possession, the file of a little girl. :)

i can't share any information,
until we pass court in Ethiopia,
so it will be awhile..
but trust me when i say,
she is perfect.
completely perfect.

now..
because we are doing things a bit backwards,
we have to submit our I-600,
AND submit our dossier before we get approval back on that.
with the hope being,
if everything is in, and complete, we will just have to be fingerprinted, and then we can send everything over to Ethiopia.

and because we will receive her referral
as soon as our dossier is in,
that means a HUGE chunk of the cost is going to come all at once,
instead of spread out between a number of months,
like many adoptions.

not sure how that is going to happen.
just praying, and trusting that it will all work out.

so happy right now.
mixed with awe,
sorrow,
thanksgiving,
grace,
and mercy.

almost.

having a few frustrating days.

last friday we got conformation that our home study was complete.

so monday, it was faxed to our family coordinator.
and monday night,
she informed me that she needed more documents.

okay.

i can do that.
faxed them this morning.

and still....
we wait.

ugh.

it is so difficult, because i know the file of our potential daughter sits on her desk... waiting as well.

the sense of urgency is somehow not there for them,
as it is for me, and i get that.

but it frustrates me.

fragile heart

i read something today that brought me to tears.
a judge, who was presiding over an adoption hearing in el salvador,
said these words to the adopting family:

"These children were not orphaned for nothing.
It was destined that they would become a part of your family."

my heart aches to know our daughter,
to assure her that we are her family,
that she wasn't orphaned for nothing.
that although we are plan b, we are still god's plan.
and that we will spend the rest of our lives loving her
for her birth mom and dad who can't.

143 million children were not orphaned for nothing.

there is meaning in their lives, to their lives, and for their lives.

all one hundred and forty three million of them.

spelling sentences from micah...

found this is in micah's backpack this morning..

i wish that my new sister is going to be here soon.
me too, micah, me too.

sort of done...

well, we finished up our last meeting with our social worker last night.
now we just have to wait for her to write everything up...

and then, then i think i am a bit lost.
i wish i had someone here, to say, okay... now send this, now mail this, now give this to them.. etc. on a daily basis.

our agency recommends that you don't send in your I-600 until you have a completed home study.. but why? it seems like other people send theirs in right away.

it is all so confusing.
and annoying.
and totally out of my comfort zone.

and all the while our daughter sits and waits to be known.
ugh.

and i almost forgot...

blender.

that was apparently the next item to break.

three down, one to go

the visit from the social worker went well.

she was here until 11pm.

but in the grand scheme of things..
she could be at my house every single night if she wanted to,
if it means bringing our daughter home.

the kids are getting excited.

asking all sorts of questions.
brody is impatient.
wants her here now.

i concur.

clean.

that would be the state of my home.

clean.

social worker coming tonight for the dreaded home visit...

all the windows open, doors open, fans going,
and no kids here.

but they will be soon.
and i am certain that my clean house will look nothing like it does right now,
when she shows up.

ugh.

the list

okay, so..
you know you are adopting when..
your dryer breaks,
your refrigerator breaks, and
your central vacuum breaks.

waiting for the next item.
car?
dishwasher?

i mean, seriously.

stop.

i need to stop going and looking at the waiting child page.
i just got through telling someone that i wasn't going to go look anymore.

but i did.

and now there are several faces that i cannot get out of my head.
i am not sure what to do with that.

i am not sure if it is good to have their faces
haunting me,
but what if they aren't?

are they on any one's mind?

home study

had our second home study on wednesday...
four hours later,
we left.

it was good,
and easy,
and another step closer
to meeting our daughter.

two things...

first,
the doctor visits for the children have begun.
isaiah and micah went today.

we found out that isaiah is not too fond of needles.
he turned grey.. and almost passed out.

second,
last night, brody, who is four, said to me:

mom, an orphan is someone who doesn't have a family.
me: yep.
brody: is the bigger girl that we are adopting an orphan?
me: yep.
brody: cool.

he walked away with a big smile on his face.
it is so amazing to me, that at four, he gets it..
even a little bit.

still.

been doing a whole lot of waiting

we are still waiting for our new social worker to contact us.
i e-mailed our other one,
just to make sure that she sent our file to the new one,
and she told me to be patient.

right.
great plan.

slowly plugging away at the paperwork
local fingerprint appointment is on monday,
kid's doctors visits are tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.

there is a lot of still.

still waiting.

and being still.

and i STILL need to work on both of those.

frustrated

i have been taking a break from paperwork
not because that is what i want to do
but because i am busy

the kids started school this week,
and football and soccer began
there is a lot going on

and it makes me so frustrated with myself
because our daughter is waiting
and every day that goes by
that i don't do SOMETHING
she sits and waits

while i kiss her brothers and sisters goodnight
she is alone
wondering if she has been forgotten

it eats me up
and is so frustrating

i just want to be done with paperwork
and go.
i just want to go

one down, three to go

our first home study meeting was last thursday.
it went well.

another hoop.
and we jumped.

three more to go.
hopefully soon.

because i am not a very patient person.
and i really, really
want to meet my daughter.

labor?

i am worn down.
not worn out, just worn down.

it reminds me of labor.
guys won't get this.. but ladies, you will completely understand.

you get those first labor pains,
and they hurt, but you are so excited that you are finally in labor,
that your adrenaline takes over, and you don't even realize it hurts..

for awhile.

after a while the "newness" wears off,
and you realize that you are in for a long, long road.
and you start to question yourself..

am i really doing this?
do i really have to do this?
is there an easy way out?
will it get any easier?
will the pain let up... ever?

and you know that the end result is beautiful,
and that you can't wait to get there...

but you are at that spot...
where you are so worn down.

cool as a cucumber

Don't be afraid.
Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.
The Lord Himself will fight for you.
Just stay calm.

Exodus 14: 13-14

ebay

just listed these COACH handbags on e-bay
there was a time they meant something to me
that time has passed
and that's okay.
anyway
if you are interested in buying one
they are there.
that's all.

how many orphans are in ethiopia?

about six million.

but that is just a number.
how do we make that sink in?
can we even?
is it too big to fathom?

every child under the age of 18 living in
NEW YORK, MASSACHUSETTS, and THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
take all of their parents away.
that brings it close to six million.

can you imagine
what would happen if that was the case?
we, as Americans, would flip out.

three states with no parents for their children..
three whole states?

so what is the difference?
that is the question that plagues my soul
day and night.

what is the difference?

fitting in

i can't help but look at this photograph
and think to myself..
i see it,
the space where our daughter belongs.

it's late

it's late
and i just finished stacks of papers.
searched through google to find old addresses.
and it wasn't nine places.
it was twelve.

my eyes hurt.
my hands hurt.

but more than that
my heart hurts.

having one of those nights
where i just want to hold my little girl.

finding it so difficult
to remain focused on the stuff
when what i want is her.

and i don't even know how to put it into words.

i feel like i am going to break down
like the tears are so close to the surface
at any moment
i could explode
or implode

feeling inadequate and ill prepared
uneducated at the very best

but what i do feel
is certainty

i know, beyond all knowing
that this is exactly where i am supposed to be

making it public

so i couldn't wait any longer.
and now, you know.

if you are new to blogging,
and want to follow our story from the beginning,
go to the oldest posts,
and read up, to the newest ones.

ugh.

paper work.
and more paper work.

how exactly am i supposed to write an autobiography of my life thus far, in addition to my parenting styles, and how steve and i interact all in two to four typed pages?

homestudy.

it sounds so simple.
right.

five books to read.
blood tests and health checks for all five kids, as well as steve and i.
a list of everywhere we have lived since we were 18.
that is 9 places for me.
papers.
and more papers.

and i am so excited.
and stressed.
and tense.

but mostly excited.

so thankful..

God is good.
and He knows what i need, all the time.

received this note from a friend today..


"God said in His word that is is for a man to make plans

but it is His right to make things happen

of course thats a paraphrase

but you made a plan and set your heart on adopting a beautiful child who obviously needs you

and God saw your heart and found the greatest need

that is a gift

Be thankful for the gift because God saw your heart and honored that


Rwanda, Ethiopia, United States, who cares"

a shift

there are changes happening
changes in our program,
and changes in my heart.

it has been made increasingly clear that Ethiopia has waiting children.
girls between the ages that we have requested.
medically cleared.
waiting for a family.
their only disadvantage, the only reason they have not yet been adopted,
is because of their age.
the age we want.

so how can we, knowing this, continue in a program, that doesn't have that?
we can't.

we are making the shift,
and now focusing our attention on Ethiopia.
because that is where the need is,
because that is where our daughter is.

this has been a struggle for me.

letting go of the road i chose...
and allowing God to take me down the road HE chose.

it is a lesson in swallowing my pride,
and admitting i don't have all the answers.

but whatever it takes.
i will do, i will be, i will become,
whatever it takes
to bring my daughter home.

because she is there..
waiting.

not fair

i am feeling overwhelmed tonight
with how unfair international adoption really is.

who am i
to walk in and take her away
from everything she knows
everything she loves..

it makes me so mad
that it has to happen
that it is her only option..

that we live in a world
where a lack of food and unclean water
strip children of their parents and
dictate the future of beautiful boys and girls.

who am i?
ugh.

how?

how can this make me cry
and smile at the same time?


some children, in rwanda

a step.

we were accepted into the rwanda program today.

although with much hesitation from the agency.

we are the only family with five kids
that is currently trying to adopt from rwanda.

there are currently no laws about this, in rwanda
but that could change at any time.

praying.
praying that we will be the first.

stats.

UNICEF estimates that rwanda has one million orphans,
most due to poverty.

one million.

in a country the size of vermont.

one million.

it turns my stomach inside out.

freaking out.

got an e-mail from the agency.
they want more in depth explanations for some of our financial information.
i am freaking out.

what if they don't accept us?

i want to scream..
come here,
visit us,
see how we live,
and tell me...
is it better than that orphaned girl in Rwanda?
there is your answer.

that is what i want to say.
but i can't.

so i am freaking out instead.

a choice.

“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper” -henri nouwen

making it real.

someone approached me in church today
to ask me if we were adopting.

it shocked me.
my family is not even fully aware.

but something washed over me,
as i answered.

relief.

it was validation.

and even though i am not quite ready
to talk about it publicly yet,
even though it was a surprise,

it made it real.
and today, i am thankful for that.

land of a thousand hills...

this is going to be a long year.

the land of a thousand hills
met me in my dreams
last night.

i was walking,
over the hills,
searching.
it was hot, and humid,
and there were so many hills to climb.

just as i reached the summit of one,
i would see another in the distance.

it was haunting.

praying the journey to those hills of rwanda
comes swiftly...

mailed.

took the completed application to the post office this morning.
and sent it away.

while i was there,
i got dizzy.
i kept thinking, i am stepping off now. there is no turning back now. i started to hand the woman my debit card,
and then realized the total was only a dollar and five cents.
it was surreal.
i handed her the cash.
she gave me the receipt.
and i put it carefully in my purse.

i didn't even hear her tell me to have a good day.
i was thinking of saving it,
the receipt.

the beginning

the first step
in meeting our daughter.

---

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

a struggle.

still finding it difficult
not to dream.

at what point should i allow
my heart to catch up with my head?

i am thinking,
when she is home safe in our arms.
that is the the only reasonable option.

we have filled out the application,
almost completely.

when we send it in,
we will know within ten working days
whether we are accepted into the Rwanda program.

and then the paper trail begins,
along with the home study.

at times it feels like we are about to jump off a cliff.

and whether we land safely or not,
is not really the issue,
but that once we jump,
we can't go back.

oh how ready i am to not go back.

it begins again.

looked over papers two nights ago to begin a new program.

rwanda.

time has passed, but i still ache for our little girl
lost in sierra leone.

i know this is how it is supposed to be.

i understand our hearts were being prepared.

but i still ache.

and i enter this journey with more trepidation.

a bit more guarded.

and i suppose those are good things...