so thankful..

God is good.
and He knows what i need, all the time.

received this note from a friend today..


"God said in His word that is is for a man to make plans

but it is His right to make things happen

of course thats a paraphrase

but you made a plan and set your heart on adopting a beautiful child who obviously needs you

and God saw your heart and found the greatest need

that is a gift

Be thankful for the gift because God saw your heart and honored that


Rwanda, Ethiopia, United States, who cares"

a shift

there are changes happening
changes in our program,
and changes in my heart.

it has been made increasingly clear that Ethiopia has waiting children.
girls between the ages that we have requested.
medically cleared.
waiting for a family.
their only disadvantage, the only reason they have not yet been adopted,
is because of their age.
the age we want.

so how can we, knowing this, continue in a program, that doesn't have that?
we can't.

we are making the shift,
and now focusing our attention on Ethiopia.
because that is where the need is,
because that is where our daughter is.

this has been a struggle for me.

letting go of the road i chose...
and allowing God to take me down the road HE chose.

it is a lesson in swallowing my pride,
and admitting i don't have all the answers.

but whatever it takes.
i will do, i will be, i will become,
whatever it takes
to bring my daughter home.

because she is there..
waiting.

not fair

i am feeling overwhelmed tonight
with how unfair international adoption really is.

who am i
to walk in and take her away
from everything she knows
everything she loves..

it makes me so mad
that it has to happen
that it is her only option..

that we live in a world
where a lack of food and unclean water
strip children of their parents and
dictate the future of beautiful boys and girls.

who am i?
ugh.

how?

how can this make me cry
and smile at the same time?


some children, in rwanda

a step.

we were accepted into the rwanda program today.

although with much hesitation from the agency.

we are the only family with five kids
that is currently trying to adopt from rwanda.

there are currently no laws about this, in rwanda
but that could change at any time.

praying.
praying that we will be the first.

stats.

UNICEF estimates that rwanda has one million orphans,
most due to poverty.

one million.

in a country the size of vermont.

one million.

it turns my stomach inside out.

freaking out.

got an e-mail from the agency.
they want more in depth explanations for some of our financial information.
i am freaking out.

what if they don't accept us?

i want to scream..
come here,
visit us,
see how we live,
and tell me...
is it better than that orphaned girl in Rwanda?
there is your answer.

that is what i want to say.
but i can't.

so i am freaking out instead.

a choice.

“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper” -henri nouwen

making it real.

someone approached me in church today
to ask me if we were adopting.

it shocked me.
my family is not even fully aware.

but something washed over me,
as i answered.

relief.

it was validation.

and even though i am not quite ready
to talk about it publicly yet,
even though it was a surprise,

it made it real.
and today, i am thankful for that.

land of a thousand hills...

this is going to be a long year.

the land of a thousand hills
met me in my dreams
last night.

i was walking,
over the hills,
searching.
it was hot, and humid,
and there were so many hills to climb.

just as i reached the summit of one,
i would see another in the distance.

it was haunting.

praying the journey to those hills of rwanda
comes swiftly...

mailed.

took the completed application to the post office this morning.
and sent it away.

while i was there,
i got dizzy.
i kept thinking, i am stepping off now. there is no turning back now. i started to hand the woman my debit card,
and then realized the total was only a dollar and five cents.
it was surreal.
i handed her the cash.
she gave me the receipt.
and i put it carefully in my purse.

i didn't even hear her tell me to have a good day.
i was thinking of saving it,
the receipt.

the beginning

the first step
in meeting our daughter.

---

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

a struggle.

still finding it difficult
not to dream.

at what point should i allow
my heart to catch up with my head?

i am thinking,
when she is home safe in our arms.
that is the the only reasonable option.

we have filled out the application,
almost completely.

when we send it in,
we will know within ten working days
whether we are accepted into the Rwanda program.

and then the paper trail begins,
along with the home study.

at times it feels like we are about to jump off a cliff.

and whether we land safely or not,
is not really the issue,
but that once we jump,
we can't go back.

oh how ready i am to not go back.

it begins again.

looked over papers two nights ago to begin a new program.

rwanda.

time has passed, but i still ache for our little girl
lost in sierra leone.

i know this is how it is supposed to be.

i understand our hearts were being prepared.

but i still ache.

and i enter this journey with more trepidation.

a bit more guarded.

and i suppose those are good things...