still.

been doing a whole lot of waiting

we are still waiting for our new social worker to contact us.
i e-mailed our other one,
just to make sure that she sent our file to the new one,
and she told me to be patient.

right.
great plan.

slowly plugging away at the paperwork
local fingerprint appointment is on monday,
kid's doctors visits are tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.

there is a lot of still.

still waiting.

and being still.

and i STILL need to work on both of those.

frustrated

i have been taking a break from paperwork
not because that is what i want to do
but because i am busy

the kids started school this week,
and football and soccer began
there is a lot going on

and it makes me so frustrated with myself
because our daughter is waiting
and every day that goes by
that i don't do SOMETHING
she sits and waits

while i kiss her brothers and sisters goodnight
she is alone
wondering if she has been forgotten

it eats me up
and is so frustrating

i just want to be done with paperwork
and go.
i just want to go

one down, three to go

our first home study meeting was last thursday.
it went well.

another hoop.
and we jumped.

three more to go.
hopefully soon.

because i am not a very patient person.
and i really, really
want to meet my daughter.

labor?

i am worn down.
not worn out, just worn down.

it reminds me of labor.
guys won't get this.. but ladies, you will completely understand.

you get those first labor pains,
and they hurt, but you are so excited that you are finally in labor,
that your adrenaline takes over, and you don't even realize it hurts..

for awhile.

after a while the "newness" wears off,
and you realize that you are in for a long, long road.
and you start to question yourself..

am i really doing this?
do i really have to do this?
is there an easy way out?
will it get any easier?
will the pain let up... ever?

and you know that the end result is beautiful,
and that you can't wait to get there...

but you are at that spot...
where you are so worn down.

cool as a cucumber

Don't be afraid.
Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.
The Lord Himself will fight for you.
Just stay calm.

Exodus 14: 13-14

ebay

just listed these COACH handbags on e-bay
there was a time they meant something to me
that time has passed
and that's okay.
anyway
if you are interested in buying one
they are there.
that's all.

how many orphans are in ethiopia?

about six million.

but that is just a number.
how do we make that sink in?
can we even?
is it too big to fathom?

every child under the age of 18 living in
NEW YORK, MASSACHUSETTS, and THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
take all of their parents away.
that brings it close to six million.

can you imagine
what would happen if that was the case?
we, as Americans, would flip out.

three states with no parents for their children..
three whole states?

so what is the difference?
that is the question that plagues my soul
day and night.

what is the difference?

fitting in

i can't help but look at this photograph
and think to myself..
i see it,
the space where our daughter belongs.

it's late

it's late
and i just finished stacks of papers.
searched through google to find old addresses.
and it wasn't nine places.
it was twelve.

my eyes hurt.
my hands hurt.

but more than that
my heart hurts.

having one of those nights
where i just want to hold my little girl.

finding it so difficult
to remain focused on the stuff
when what i want is her.

and i don't even know how to put it into words.

i feel like i am going to break down
like the tears are so close to the surface
at any moment
i could explode
or implode

feeling inadequate and ill prepared
uneducated at the very best

but what i do feel
is certainty

i know, beyond all knowing
that this is exactly where i am supposed to be

making it public

so i couldn't wait any longer.
and now, you know.

if you are new to blogging,
and want to follow our story from the beginning,
go to the oldest posts,
and read up, to the newest ones.

ugh.

paper work.
and more paper work.

how exactly am i supposed to write an autobiography of my life thus far, in addition to my parenting styles, and how steve and i interact all in two to four typed pages?

homestudy.

it sounds so simple.
right.

five books to read.
blood tests and health checks for all five kids, as well as steve and i.
a list of everywhere we have lived since we were 18.
that is 9 places for me.
papers.
and more papers.

and i am so excited.
and stressed.
and tense.

but mostly excited.