--

i realized today, after reading through old posts,
that i have become so clinical in my posting.

i spew out facts,
and leave out the gritty emotions,
the details of my heart.

they are still there...
and i have yet to determine why i somehow believe that if i don't type them out, they won't be there, that i won't be so vulnerable.

i long for my daughter...
i cannot imagine the devastation i would feel if something fell through again.
it is a joke to believe that i have guarded my heart,
i haven't.

and that is okay.
because i don't know how to do that.

i wouldn't be staying true to myself if i did.
so there you have it.
i am deeply in love with a little girl in ethiopia.
deeply.
completely.
whole heartily.
forever.