relentless

as the days pass,
as the paperwork comes together,
as we get new photos of our beautiful girl,
there is a relentless gnawing in my gut.

a dull pain in my head,
continually.

i close my eyes,
to escape it..
not because i don't want it,
but rather, there are times when i just need a break

it doesn't come.
my dreams are filled with her.

her hair
her feet
her lips

i have such a relentless desire to know my daughter
every ounce of me is pursuing her

every single ounce

i suspect it is a tiny glimpse of how i am pursued

while i wait...

one of the few benefits
to having what i now know is level 3b hair,
is that i can practice twists :)

stereotyped.

I think initially, when it was clear to us that Ethiopia was where our daughter would be from, I had a difficult time shifting gears.

I had originally been so focused on West Africa, and then Rwanda, I had often told friends that the only place I wouldn't adopt from was Ethiopia.

Over the months I have really tried to explore what made me say that, and why I had such an averse reaction.

It is all based on stereotypes.
Ethiopia gets press.
They get aid.
Their government is more secure.
Tons of children are adopted from there, it must be "easy".

First of all,
as I have come to discover,
no road to and through adoption is easy.
Not one.

Second, when I did a little bit of research on Ethiopia,
I found out that a lot of what I had believed, wasn't true at all.

Here are a couple of things I read recently that really struck a chord with me:



"If aid is distributed to families, for example, one would consider the number of people in each household. Likewise, it would be unfair to treat a country of say 100 million in the same manner as a country of 5 million. By this metric, contrary to what many believe, countries such as Ethiopia with very large populations are not getting as much aid as they should. The data indicates that western economic aid is skewed in favor of smaller countries when aid per capita of recipient country is evaluated.
Ethiopia ranks 32/34, indicating that the country is severely under-aided, given its size. The average Ethiopian got just one tenth of what someone in Sam Tome & Principe received, or roughly 20% of what someone in Zambia or Namibia received."

and this:

"There are more Ethiopian doctors in Chicago, than there are in Ethiopia."

The bottom line for us,
for our family,
is that we wanted to go where our daughter was waiting.
And that led us to Ethiopia.

Ethiopia is now in my blood,
my roots are there,
and much like the United States, I feel a fierce loyalty to Her.

and today...

today as i was reading through some blogs,
five of my children home,
ice storm happening,
i read this:

"I have found that the line between fighting fiercely for justice and maintaining a patient, humble, God-centered perspective to be difficult at times."

um, yah.
no kidding.
living in that space.

referral.

we have it.
our official referral is sitting in my inbox...
along with new photos of our beautiful girl.

she is amazing.
and perfect.
and has the biggest smile i have ever seen.

today,
amidst the tragedy in Haiti,
we have hope...
147 million minus 1.

--

i realized today, after reading through old posts,
that i have become so clinical in my posting.

i spew out facts,
and leave out the gritty emotions,
the details of my heart.

they are still there...
and i have yet to determine why i somehow believe that if i don't type them out, they won't be there, that i won't be so vulnerable.

i long for my daughter...
i cannot imagine the devastation i would feel if something fell through again.
it is a joke to believe that i have guarded my heart,
i haven't.

and that is okay.
because i don't know how to do that.

i wouldn't be staying true to myself if i did.
so there you have it.
i am deeply in love with a little girl in ethiopia.
deeply.
completely.
whole heartily.
forever.

movement

so today,
after many weeks, months, in fact,
we received our completed and notarized home study...
which meant that i could also send in our I-600A.

so i did,
before lunch even.

and even though we are now on to yet another stage of waiting, another stage of relying on someone other than ourselves to come through with paperwork,
somehow i feel renewed.

like even this small step,
is enough, for now.

that is something, for sure.

indeed.

"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."

Ralph Waldo Emerson