Not Forgotten

we are outta here....

2010-06-17T01:00:00.002-05:00

after today, you can follow us on our family blog.. no reason to keep seperate ones now :) it is: www.muscatineamy.blogspot.com

woke up this morning to the phone....
a call that we were cleared to travel,
this weekend.

i spent the better part of the day on the phone with the travel agent, and arranging pick up, drop off, fill in, and travel for the kids...
nana is going to be here,
which is huge.
takes a lot of stress off.

well, we couldn't get the flights booked for saturday.
so we booked for friday.

we are leaving less than two days from now.
yikes.

if you are local, and want to send over donations with us...
we would greatly appreciate it :)
as would our agency, and the orphanages in Addis.
we are collecting:
scrubs, new or gently used
diapers (any size)
and wipes
lollipops (dum dums, or tootsie pops)
small packs of gum (like the 5 piece packs)... one of our drivers runs an org. for homeless boys, and this is what they sell on the streets
shoe polish (for the boys as well)

okay.
now for my lists.
and packing.
and putting clarah's bed together...

it's a girl :)

2010-05-24T09:33:00.002-05:00

we received a surprise phone call today... we passed court :)
more words later... for now, our daughter.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

ditto.

2010-05-21T10:35:00.001-05:00

didn't pass again.
same reason.

there is a chance we could pass on monday,
with a faxed copy of the needed document.
but i'm not holding my breath.

next court date:
June 8th.

i am so done with this.

didn't pass.

2010-05-10T10:06:00.002-05:00

we didn't pass court today.

i really wasn't surprised...
but still incredibly disappointed.

we have a new court date scheduled for
May 21st.

all of our paperwork looked good, MOWA gave their letter of recommendation, her birth mother was in court, and gave her testimony...

but
her circumstances have changed since she relinquished our daughter,
so the judge is requiring an update of her file.

this means that the paperwork needs to be changed, and sealed on the local level, and then delivered to Addis, to the courts for approval.

our agency was fairly certain that 11 days was plenty of time to get these things done... so we are hopeful for the 21st.

the judge is NOT requiring a new letter from MOWA... which is super nice :)
only the update, and we are good to go.

so
a new countdown begins

the sweetest sound

2010-05-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

i heard it.

her voice

we were blessed by a woman who traveled to Ethiopia on a missions trip,
she contacted me, and offered to take our sweet girl a package.

when she returned home,
she told me that she had a little video clip too...

we have received a few videos from those delivering packages for us before,
it is always so fun to see her moving, living.

but this time,
they asked her to say a few words...
and she did.

"thank you, mommy, daddy."

and i played it, and played it, and played it,
until i knew the sound deep in my heart.

seven.

2010-05-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

the number of days until our court date in Ethiopia.

i am trying not to get my hopes up,
as 50 percent of families don't pass on the first try.

but it's not working very well.

they are high.
i want to pass.

the end.

court date :)

2010-04-20T21:22:00.002-05:00

may 10, 2010

approximately fifty percent of court cases in ethiopia don't pass the first time... praying we're the other fifty percent.

first chair...

2010-04-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

so, i have had these three chairs for years, that a friend's dad made the kids...
i had always intended on painting them,
but never did.

i was trying to avoid all responsibility the other day when it was about 85 degrees out, so i pulled one of the chairs out into the driveway and started painting it.

my kids are way too big for these now,
and we need money :) (not really sure if you heard, but we are adopting :) )
much like a home remodel, adoption costs tend to grow...

so,
if anyone wants the chair,
seventy-five bucks, and it is yours :)

it took approximately seven hours to paint... not that it probably matters to anyone but me, but it IS my blog, so i can say it if i want to. :)

sweet whispers

2010-03-29T10:09:00.002-05:00

we have had the amazing fortune of having three families send us video of our sweet girl, when they delivered our care packages to her.
it is so amazing to be able to see her move, and watch her reactions.

one thing though,
i have yet to hear her speak.

i watch other families videos, and their kids are chatting away.
but not our daughter.

one of the families told me she speaks in whispers, almost unable to hear...

i cannot WAIT to hear those sweet whispers up close, where i have to lean in to really hear.

oh geez.

2010-03-25T16:06:00.000-05:00

here we go again....

We are writing to inform you that a notice was posted by the Ethiopian Federal Court stating that the recent change in the court policies (put into place on March 10th) has been put on hold. The March 10th change required both prospective adoptive parents to appear in person at their court appointment in order to testify to their desire and commitment to adopt their referred child(ren). We do not know how long this change will be on hold or if/when it will be reinstated.

oh my.

i don't even know how to feel.

biometrics.. done.

2010-03-13T16:48:00.001-06:00

steve and i got our fingerprints taken yesterday.
it took five minutes.
and now we wait for our I-171 approval.
from what i hear, iowa seems to be fairly quick at mailing these out...
but i am not holding my breath :)

change of plans

2010-03-10T19:16:00.003-06:00

effective immediately the ethiopian high courts are now requiring both adoptive parents to be present at the first court date.

this is a big deal.
this changes things.

this means that somewhere in the next 8 weeks, steve and i will likely be in ethiopia, meeting our daughter, going to court, and leaving.

without our daughter.

this was never a part of our plan,
this extra trip for court.

and while the added costs are likely to add 7 grand to the total, that is not what makes my heart sick today.

we are leaving ethiopia without our daughter.

and won't be expected to go back for about three months.

leaving her there.

after we have met her, loved on her, told her that we are coming for her,

we have to leave.

she has already experienced so many more goodbyes in her seven years than most do in a lifetime.. and knowing that we are adding to those makes my heart ache.

read this today...

2010-03-03T07:54:00.001-06:00

on a wonderful woman's blog who is in Ethiopia right now picking up her two girls, and delivering a care package to our daughter:

Amy Smith- I adore your little girl. She is so docile, content, and gorgeous!! I have lots to tell you about her. Send an email to my yahoo address so I can reply. You will LOVE LOVE LOVE HER.

my heart.

2010-03-01T09:27:00.000-06:00

later this afternoon, some of my very best friends are boarding a plane to sierra leone, west africa.
i am so proud of these women.
incredible, strong, focused, and real.
their hearts long for the hurting, the widowed, the orphaned, the homeless, the unloved.
i want to be there with them,
to the point that a deep ache has formed inside my chest.
i understand why i cannot go,
i accept it,
i even know it is the right choice.. that these women are the exact people who should be going.
and i should not.
so i have spent much time examining why it hurts so much.
and i think it is because,
my heart is already lives there.

africa.

where my beautiful girl was born,
where she waits for us to bring her home.

i just want to be there,
touch the ground,
smell the air,
love the people... her people.

Eight Years Ago...

2010-02-28T16:56:00.001-06:00

DTE

2010-02-26T13:37:00.003-06:00

yesterday was the day.
we got the official e-mail telling us that February 25, 2010 was our Dossier to Ethiopia day :)

my eyes welled up when i read it.
so much weight lifted off of my shoulders to have the paperwork done,
but so much further to go

it was bittersweet, really.

but i am thankful.
so thankful that we are one small step closer.

trusting in this today...

2010-02-18T11:24:00.001-06:00

Sometimes God takes us into deep waters where we lose control of the situation, and we have no choice but to fully trust in His care for us. If God chooses to take us into deep waters, it is for a reason. The greater the calling, the deeper the water. Trust in His knowledge that your deep waters are preparation to see the works of God in your life.

roller coaster

2010-02-17T09:40:00.002-06:00

yesterday was a great day.
we finally mailed in our dossier :)
huge, huge weight lifted.

and i had been looking forward to hearing word from a friend, traveling to pick up her daughter in ethiopia. she was delivering the first care package to our sweet girl.

she was so helpful in giving me ideas on what to send, and promising me she would take lots of photos for us, and love on her, and tell her that we loved her, and are coming for her.

i was expecting word anytime.

and i got it.

her luggage never made it.
it is currently in sudan.
which means, most of it has been rifled through, and likely our package will never make it to our daughter.

there is a chance that she will get it before they leave,
but i don't think so.

and just like that, the weight is back.
i was so excited that she would finally know us, see OUR photos, hear our notes to her, and just like that, plans changed.

ugh.

third trimester

2010-02-08T12:52:00.002-06:00

we have been in this process of adoption paperwork for six months.

if this were a pregnancy,
we would be beginning our third trimester.

when i look at it that way, it doesn't seem so bad...

however,
when i look at it from the perspective that the moment i knew we would adopt was ten years ago...
we are breaking some records here or something.

so ready to be done with this part.

state authentication...

2010-02-03T20:18:00.001-06:00

took a little road trip
to the golden roof place :)
drove five and a half hours
for a certificate that took 30 seconds to get to me...

and i would do it again
every single day
if it meant one minute more
with my sweet girl.

good times...

2010-02-02T22:04:00.001-06:00

so, jody agreed to list one of my paintings on her blog.. for a raffle to help bring our sweet girl home.
you can read all of the details here

relentless

2010-01-30T00:27:00.002-06:00

as the days pass,
as the paperwork comes together,
as we get new photos of our beautiful girl,
there is a relentless gnawing in my gut.

a dull pain in my head,
continually.

i close my eyes,
to escape it..
not because i don't want it,
but rather, there are times when i just need a break

it doesn't come.
my dreams are filled with her.

her hair
her feet
her lips

i have such a relentless desire to know my daughter
every ounce of me is pursuing her

every single ounce

i suspect it is a tiny glimpse of how i am pursued

while i wait...

2010-01-26T18:38:00.003-06:00

one of the few benefits
to having what i now know is level 3b hair,
is that i can practice twists :)

stereotyped.

2010-01-21T10:18:00.005-06:00

I think initially, when it was clear to us that Ethiopia was where our daughter would be from, I had a difficult time shifting gears.

I had originally been so focused on West Africa, and then Rwanda, I had often told friends that the only place I wouldn't adopt from was Ethiopia.

Over the months I have really tried to explore what made me say that, and why I had such an averse reaction.

It is all based on stereotypes.
Ethiopia gets press.
They get aid.
Their government is more secure.
Tons of children are adopted from there, it must be "easy".

First of all,
as I have come to discover,
no road to and through adoption is easy.
Not one.

Second, when I did a little bit of research on Ethiopia,
I found out that a lot of what I had believed, wasn't true at all.

Here are a couple of things I read recently that really struck a chord with me:

"If aid is distributed to families, for example, one would consider the number of people in each household. Likewise, it would be unfair to treat a country of say 100 million in the same manner as a country of 5 million. By this metric, contrary to what many believe, countries such as Ethiopia with very large populations are not getting as much aid as they should. The data indicates that western economic aid is skewed in favor of smaller countries when aid per capita of recipient country is evaluated.
Ethiopia ranks 32/34, indicating that the country is severely under-aided, given its size. The average Ethiopian got just one tenth of what someone in Sam Tome & Principe received, or roughly 20% of what someone in Zambia or Namibia received."

and this:

"There are more Ethiopian doctors in Chicago, than there are in Ethiopia."

The bottom line for us,
for our family,
is that we wanted to go where our daughter was waiting.
And that led us to Ethiopia.

Ethiopia is now in my blood,
my roots are there,
and much like the United States, I feel a fierce loyalty to Her.

and today...

2010-01-20T14:15:00.002-06:00

today as i was reading through some blogs,
five of my children home,
ice storm happening,
i read this:

"I have found that the line between fighting fiercely for justice and maintaining a patient, humble, God-centered perspective to be difficult at times."

um, yah.
no kidding.
living in that space.

referral.

2010-01-18T16:30:00.001-06:00

we have it.
our official referral is sitting in my inbox...
along with new photos of our beautiful girl.

she is amazing.
and perfect.
and has the biggest smile i have ever seen.

today,
amidst the tragedy in Haiti,
we have hope...
147 million minus 1.

--

2010-01-13T09:39:00.003-06:00

i realized today, after reading through old posts,
that i have become so clinical in my posting.

i spew out facts,
and leave out the gritty emotions,
the details of my heart.

they are still there...
and i have yet to determine why i somehow believe that if i don't type them out, they won't be there, that i won't be so vulnerable.

i long for my daughter...
i cannot imagine the devastation i would feel if something fell through again.
it is a joke to believe that i have guarded my heart,
i haven't.

and that is okay.
because i don't know how to do that.

i wouldn't be staying true to myself if i did.
so there you have it.
i am deeply in love with a little girl in ethiopia.
deeply.
completely.
whole heartily.
forever.

movement

2010-01-12T13:08:00.002-06:00

so today,
after many weeks, months, in fact,
we received our completed and notarized home study...
which meant that i could also send in our I-600A.

so i did,
before lunch even.

and even though we are now on to yet another stage of waiting, another stage of relying on someone other than ourselves to come through with paperwork,
somehow i feel renewed.

like even this small step,
is enough, for now.

that is something, for sure.

indeed.

2010-01-07T13:14:00.001-06:00

"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

a go.

2009-11-20T15:12:00.002-06:00

we are home study approved.
and we have in our possession, the file of a little girl. :)

i can't share any information,
until we pass court in Ethiopia,
so it will be awhile..
but trust me when i say,
she is perfect.
completely perfect.

now..
because we are doing things a bit backwards,
we have to submit our I-600,
AND submit our dossier before we get approval back on that.
with the hope being,
if everything is in, and complete, we will just have to be fingerprinted, and then we can send everything over to Ethiopia.

and because we will receive her referral
as soon as our dossier is in,
that means a HUGE chunk of the cost is going to come all at once,
instead of spread out between a number of months,
like many adoptions.

not sure how that is going to happen.
just praying, and trusting that it will all work out.

so happy right now.
mixed with awe,
sorrow,
thanksgiving,
grace,
and mercy.

almost.

2009-11-17T15:31:00.002-06:00

having a few frustrating days.

last friday we got conformation that our home study was complete.

so monday, it was faxed to our family coordinator.
and monday night,
she informed me that she needed more documents.

okay.

i can do that.
faxed them this morning.

and still....
we wait.

ugh.

it is so difficult, because i know the file of our potential daughter sits on her desk... waiting as well.

the sense of urgency is somehow not there for them,
as it is for me, and i get that.

but it frustrates me.

fragile heart

2009-11-09T11:06:00.002-06:00

i read something today that brought me to tears.
a judge, who was presiding over an adoption hearing in el salvador,
said these words to the adopting family:

"These children were not orphaned for nothing.
It was destined that they would become a part of your family."

my heart aches to know our daughter,
to assure her that we are her family,
that she wasn't orphaned for nothing.
that although we are plan b, we are still god's plan.
and that we will spend the rest of our lives loving her
for her birth mom and dad who can't.

143 million children were not orphaned for nothing.

there is meaning in their lives, to their lives, and for their lives.

all one hundred and forty three million of them.

spelling sentences from micah...

2009-09-25T10:32:00.002-05:00

found this is in micah's backpack this morning..

i wish that my new sister is going to be here soon.
me too, micah, me too.

sort of done...

2009-09-24T09:42:00.002-05:00

well, we finished up our last meeting with our social worker last night.
now we just have to wait for her to write everything up...

and then, then i think i am a bit lost.
i wish i had someone here, to say, okay... now send this, now mail this, now give this to them.. etc. on a daily basis.

our agency recommends that you don't send in your I-600 until you have a completed home study.. but why? it seems like other people send theirs in right away.

it is all so confusing.
and annoying.
and totally out of my comfort zone.

and all the while our daughter sits and waits to be known.
ugh.

and i almost forgot...

2009-09-17T20:31:00.001-05:00

blender.

that was apparently the next item to break.

three down, one to go

2009-09-17T20:28:00.002-05:00

the visit from the social worker went well.

she was here until 11pm.

but in the grand scheme of things..
she could be at my house every single night if she wanted to,
if it means bringing our daughter home.

the kids are getting excited.

asking all sorts of questions.
brody is impatient.
wants her here now.

i concur.

clean.

2009-09-16T14:39:00.003-05:00

that would be the state of my home.

clean.

social worker coming tonight for the dreaded home visit...

all the windows open, doors open, fans going,
and no kids here.

but they will be soon.
and i am certain that my clean house will look nothing like it does right now,
when she shows up.

ugh.

the list

2009-09-12T15:54:00.003-05:00

okay, so..
you know you are adopting when..
your dryer breaks,
your refrigerator breaks, and
your central vacuum breaks.

waiting for the next item.
car?
dishwasher?

i mean, seriously.

stop.

2009-09-11T14:37:00.002-05:00

i need to stop going and looking at the waiting child page.
i just got through telling someone that i wasn't going to go look anymore.

but i did.

and now there are several faces that i cannot get out of my head.
i am not sure what to do with that.

i am not sure if it is good to have their faces
haunting me,
but what if they aren't?

are they on any one's mind?

home study

2009-09-11T11:47:00.001-05:00

had our second home study on wednesday...
four hours later,
we left.

it was good,
and easy,
and another step closer
to meeting our daughter.

two things...

2009-09-02T11:50:00.002-05:00

first,
the doctor visits for the children have begun.
isaiah and micah went today.

we found out that isaiah is not too fond of needles.
he turned grey.. and almost passed out.

second,
last night, brody, who is four, said to me:

mom, an orphan is someone who doesn't have a family.
me: yep.
brody: is the bigger girl that we are adopting an orphan?
me: yep.
brody: cool.

he walked away with a big smile on his face.
it is so amazing to me, that at four, he gets it..
even a little bit.

still.

2009-08-29T14:22:00.002-05:00

been doing a whole lot of waiting

we are still waiting for our new social worker to contact us.
i e-mailed our other one,
just to make sure that she sent our file to the new one,
and she told me to be patient.

right.
great plan.

slowly plugging away at the paperwork
local fingerprint appointment is on monday,
kid's doctors visits are tuesday, wednesday, and thursday.

there is a lot of still.

still waiting.

and being still.

and i STILL need to work on both of those.

frustrated

2009-08-20T22:56:00.003-05:00

i have been taking a break from paperwork
not because that is what i want to do
but because i am busy

the kids started school this week,
and football and soccer began
there is a lot going on

and it makes me so frustrated with myself
because our daughter is waiting
and every day that goes by
that i don't do SOMETHING
she sits and waits

while i kiss her brothers and sisters goodnight
she is alone
wondering if she has been forgotten

it eats me up
and is so frustrating

i just want to be done with paperwork
and go.
i just want to go

one down, three to go

2009-08-17T00:25:00.002-05:00

our first home study meeting was last thursday.
it went well.

another hoop.
and we jumped.

three more to go.
hopefully soon.

because i am not a very patient person.
and i really, really
want to meet my daughter.

labor?

2009-08-12T11:29:00.002-05:00

i am worn down.
not worn out, just worn down.

it reminds me of labor.
guys won't get this.. but ladies, you will completely understand.

you get those first labor pains,
and they hurt, but you are so excited that you are finally in labor,
that your adrenaline takes over, and you don't even realize it hurts..

for awhile.

after a while the "newness" wears off,
and you realize that you are in for a long, long road.
and you start to question yourself..

am i really doing this?
do i really have to do this?
is there an easy way out?
will it get any easier?
will the pain let up... ever?

and you know that the end result is beautiful,
and that you can't wait to get there...

but you are at that spot...
where you are so worn down.

cool as a cucumber

2009-08-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

Don't be afraid.
Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.
The Lord Himself will fight for you.
Just stay calm.

Exodus 14: 13-14

ebay

2009-08-10T18:55:00.001-05:00

just listed these COACH handbags on e-bay
there was a time they meant something to me
that time has passed
and that's okay.
anyway
if you are interested in buying one
they are there.
that's all.

how many orphans are in ethiopia?

2009-08-10T10:30:00.002-05:00

about six million.

but that is just a number.
how do we make that sink in?
can we even?
is it too big to fathom?

every child under the age of 18 living in
NEW YORK, MASSACHUSETTS, and THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
take all of their parents away.
that brings it close to six million.

can you imagine
what would happen if that was the case?
we, as Americans, would flip out.

three states with no parents for their children..
three whole states?

so what is the difference?
that is the question that plagues my soul
day and night.

what is the difference?

fitting in

2009-08-09T00:56:00.001-05:00

i can't help but look at this photograph
and think to myself..
i see it,
the space where our daughter belongs.

it's late

2009-08-05T23:31:00.002-05:00

it's late
and i just finished stacks of papers.
searched through google to find old addresses.
and it wasn't nine places.
it was twelve.

my eyes hurt.
my hands hurt.

but more than that
my heart hurts.

having one of those nights
where i just want to hold my little girl.

finding it so difficult
to remain focused on the stuff
when what i want is her.

and i don't even know how to put it into words.

i feel like i am going to break down
like the tears are so close to the surface
at any moment
i could explode
or implode

feeling inadequate and ill prepared
uneducated at the very best

but what i do feel
is certainty

i know, beyond all knowing
that this is exactly where i am supposed to be

making it public

2009-08-05T12:50:00.001-05:00

so i couldn't wait any longer.
and now, you know.

if you are new to blogging,
and want to follow our story from the beginning,
go to the oldest posts,
and read up, to the newest ones.

ugh.

2009-08-05T10:41:00.002-05:00

paper work.
and more paper work.

how exactly am i supposed to write an autobiography of my life thus far, in addition to my parenting styles, and how steve and i interact all in two to four typed pages?

homestudy.

it sounds so simple.
right.

five books to read.
blood tests and health checks for all five kids, as well as steve and i.
a list of everywhere we have lived since we were 18.
that is 9 places for me.
papers.
and more papers.

and i am so excited.
and stressed.
and tense.

but mostly excited.

so thankful..

2009-07-30T17:02:00.003-05:00

God is good.
and He knows what i need, all the time.

received this note from a friend today..

"God said in His word that is is for a man to make plans

but it is His right to make things happen

of course thats a paraphrase

but you made a plan and set your heart on adopting a beautiful child who obviously needs you

and God saw your heart and found the greatest need

that is a gift

Be thankful for the gift because God saw your heart and honored that

Rwanda, Ethiopia, United States, who cares"

a shift

2009-07-30T13:54:00.003-05:00

there are changes happening
changes in our program,
and changes in my heart.

it has been made increasingly clear that Ethiopia has waiting children.
girls between the ages that we have requested.
medically cleared.
waiting for a family.
their only disadvantage, the only reason they have not yet been adopted,
is because of their age.
the age we want.

so how can we, knowing this, continue in a program, that doesn't have that?
we can't.

we are making the shift,
and now focusing our attention on Ethiopia.
because that is where the need is,
because that is where our daughter is.

this has been a struggle for me.

letting go of the road i chose...
and allowing God to take me down the road HE chose.

it is a lesson in swallowing my pride,
and admitting i don't have all the answers.

but whatever it takes.
i will do, i will be, i will become,
whatever it takes
to bring my daughter home.

because she is there..
waiting.

not fair

2009-07-29T01:42:00.002-05:00

i am feeling overwhelmed tonight
with how unfair international adoption really is.

who am i
to walk in and take her away
from everything she knows
everything she loves..

it makes me so mad
that it has to happen
that it is her only option..

that we live in a world
where a lack of food and unclean water
strip children of their parents and
dictate the future of beautiful boys and girls.

who am i?
ugh.

how?

2009-07-25T20:13:00.001-05:00

how can this make me cry
and smile at the same time?

some children, in rwanda

a step.

2009-07-22T17:53:00.002-05:00

we were accepted into the rwanda program today.

although with much hesitation from the agency.

we are the only family with five kids
that is currently trying to adopt from rwanda.

there are currently no laws about this, in rwanda
but that could change at any time.

praying.
praying that we will be the first.

stats.

2009-07-20T17:18:00.002-05:00

UNICEF estimates that rwanda has one million orphans,
most due to poverty.

one million.

in a country the size of vermont.

one million.

it turns my stomach inside out.

freaking out.

2009-07-20T12:51:00.002-05:00

got an e-mail from the agency.
they want more in depth explanations for some of our financial information.
i am freaking out.

what if they don't accept us?

i want to scream..
come here,
visit us,
see how we live,
and tell me...
is it better than that orphaned girl in Rwanda?
there is your answer.

that is what i want to say.
but i can't.

so i am freaking out instead.

a choice.

2009-07-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper” -henri nouwen

making it real.

2009-07-12T12:56:00.002-05:00

someone approached me in church today
to ask me if we were adopting.

it shocked me.
my family is not even fully aware.

but something washed over me,
as i answered.

relief.

it was validation.

and even though i am not quite ready
to talk about it publicly yet,
even though it was a surprise,

it made it real.
and today, i am thankful for that.

land of a thousand hills...

2009-07-10T14:13:00.002-05:00

this is going to be a long year.

the land of a thousand hills
met me in my dreams
last night.

i was walking,
over the hills,
searching.
it was hot, and humid,
and there were so many hills to climb.

just as i reached the summit of one,
i would see another in the distance.

it was haunting.

praying the journey to those hills of rwanda
comes swiftly...

mailed.

2009-07-09T13:27:00.003-05:00

took the completed application to the post office this morning.
and sent it away.

while i was there,
i got dizzy.
i kept thinking, i am stepping off now. there is no turning back now. i started to hand the woman my debit card,
and then realized the total was only a dollar and five cents.
it was surreal.
i handed her the cash.
she gave me the receipt.
and i put it carefully in my purse.

i didn't even hear her tell me to have a good day.
i was thinking of saving it,
the receipt.

the beginning

the first step
in meeting our daughter.

---

2009-07-07T15:22:00.001-05:00

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

a struggle.

2009-07-07T13:27:00.002-05:00

still finding it difficult
not to dream.

at what point should i allow
my heart to catch up with my head?

i am thinking,
when she is home safe in our arms.
that is the the only reasonable option.

we have filled out the application,
almost completely.

when we send it in,
we will know within ten working days
whether we are accepted into the Rwanda program.

and then the paper trail begins,
along with the home study.

at times it feels like we are about to jump off a cliff.

and whether we land safely or not,
is not really the issue,
but that once we jump,
we can't go back.

oh how ready i am to not go back.

it begins again.

2009-07-03T09:08:00.002-05:00

looked over papers two nights ago to begin a new program.

rwanda.

time has passed, but i still ache for our little girl
lost in sierra leone.

i know this is how it is supposed to be.

i understand our hearts were being prepared.

but i still ache.

and i enter this journey with more trepidation.

a bit more guarded.

and i suppose those are good things...

feeling lost

2008-10-02T11:21:00.002-05:00

so much is happening.
not much of it good.

i am left doubting, and unsure. broken hearted, and weak. i don't know if we will ever see our beautiful sparrow face to face, here on this earth.

i don't know if we made the right decision to let our hearts open to that little girl. when we knew full well that there is not currently a program in SL.

foolish.
that's how i feel.
and sorry.
and not in control.

i know many adoption stories have children in them, who were the first. the one's who made the "bridge" to the children that eventually came home. i understand that this happens a lot.
but understanding it, and putting my little girl's face in that spot are two totally different things.

i love her. i long for her.
why can't that be enough?

--

2008-09-26T08:30:00.002-05:00

i am enraged by injustice and abuse.
enraged.
to the point that it is difficult to focus on those around me. to really give them all of me, even though i know i should.
but if i turn my brain off to the pain,
i become apathetic and complacent.
and i don't want to be that either.
who knew it would be so hard just to be.

2008-09-25T00:19:00.000-05:00

breathe.

2008-09-22T23:12:00.002-05:00

at times i need to take a break.
a break from thinking about Africa, about Sierra Leone, about a little girl.
because sometimes when i think on these things, i get the sensation that i am drowning.
being held underwater.
and trying desperately to get to the top.
my lungs burning.
yearning for a breath.
but it seems that breath is just out of reach.

breathe.
that's what i need to do.
breathe.

--

2008-09-13T23:24:00.002-05:00

i go to bed at night with the images of someone i do not know flooding my mind. i dream of holding her hand, kissing her sweet little nose, playing with her hair.
i dream about what kind of lotion i will buy for her.
what she will look like in certain clothes.
what size shoe she wears.
but mostly i just see her face.
and when i wake up, i feel much like i did when i was small, and played with dolls. that it was great, but not real.
make believe.

i pray she is not feeling the same way.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

2008-09-13T00:15:00.001-05:00

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

--

2008-09-13T00:06:00.003-05:00

Is it possible to be living in parallel spaces?
I feel like that is what we are doing.
Like life goes on around us, and we cook, and clean, and wash our cars. We bake, go to church and kiss our kids goodnight, while a part of me is absent.
In a different place.
A completely different world that I know nothing about, being taking care of by people I do not know.
Being kissed goodnight by someone else.
Or not.

Is it possible to live in both of those spaces?
I am finding it so difficult.

about the animals.

2008-09-12T13:35:00.005-05:00

Whenever I found out I was pregnant, Steve and I (okay, it was me) would pick an animal to represent that child. All throughout that pregnancy, we would only purchase things for the baby that were, or had their animal on it. Clothes, toys, etc. It was sort of a fun way to curb our spending, while feeling like we were always on the hunt for the perfect thing.

Emily is a lion. Isaiah is a giraffe. Hannah is a Zebra. Micah is a crocodile. Brody is a raccoon.

Our sweet new daughter will be a sparrow.
Because, His eye is on the sparrow.

And don't worry, I had the tattoo artist leave room on the trunk of my tree for another footprint. :)

Am I Crazy?

2008-09-12T13:31:00.003-05:00

Am I crazy to believe that this will happen?
After all, the program in Sierra Leone is not even open right now.
Am I crazy to become attached to a little girl, of which I have no rights to yet?
After all, she could be gone when we get there.
Am I crazy to think that we can do this, that we are emotionally prepared enough, stable enough, rich enough?
Yes, I probably am.
And that's okay.

and her light filled the room

2008-09-12T13:20:00.003-05:00

it was july 17th, 2008 when i recieved a phone call from a friend.

she asked what i was doing, and i said getting ready to celebrate micah's birthday. she said, great, but we need to talk about something serious.

at that point she proceeded to tell me about the situation in Sierra Leone, and the children that were left there.

i knew. from the moment she mentioned them, that one of them would be mine.

i e-mailed my other friend who was in colorado at the time, and asked her a million questions. and said that, i think we could do this.

she sent me the ages and sexes of the children who were left, and asked who i thought i would be interested in. in a millisecond, i was responding, 4 year old girl. this is so interesting to me, because i always thought i wanted to adopt a boy, but when presented with these kids, the choice wasn't even a choice.

shortly after that, i recieved an e-mail, saying, meet her. and a picture was attached.

and her light filled the room, as i began to weep.

she is mine, and i am hers, and we haven't even met.

My prayer

2008-09-11T23:54:00.005-05:00

Lord, may she know, somewhere deep inside, that I am coming.
May she hear my voice in her dreams, telling her stories about her brothers and sisters. Telling her I love her. Telling her that she has not been forgotten.
Please, God, let her know, somehow, that I know her name, and I love her.

Protect her. Keep her safe. Make the time until we are together pass quickly.
Do not let her believe, for a second, that she is forgotten.

Remind her everyday that I am coming soon.

In the beginning

2008-09-11T21:16:00.002-05:00

How does one paraphrase an awakening that began over eight years ago? How does one go back, and drum up all the emotions and convictions and struggle to get to where we are today?

I have no answer for that. Infact, I don't have many answers at all. What I do have, however, is hope.

Steve and I have decided to adopt from Sierra Leone, West Africa.

I have known we would adopt for many years. It is something I was born to do. As natural to me, as giving birth. As planned, as thought out, and as dreamed about as every other one of my children.

If you know anything about us, you know that we have good friends who have adopted from Sierra Leone. They brought home beautiful two year old twins. The struggle they went through was so great. The tears so numerous. But I never thought for one minute that I wouldn't adopt.

Steve took some convincing, but spending time with our friends, and learning about the little girl who will one day be our daughter, was all it took.

There is so much to share. So many feelings. So hard to put it all down. But hopefully, with time, and time is all we have right now, I will document this for our beautiful sparrow.

His eye is on our sparrow...

2008-09-09T22:12:00.001-05:00